A Drop in the Ocean
by illegiblewriter
Summary: *One Shot, Song Fic* Gohan has passed away and Videl mourns... she remembers their lives together, their grandchildren, their first kiss, and decides how she plans to cope with his death.


**Disclaimer: **Akira Toriyama owns DBZ and Michelle Branch owns "Drop in the Ocean".

_**[…**_lyrics

**Drop in the Ocean**

By. illegiblewriter

[Love took me by the hand 

I remember the first time I saw him. When I looked at his goofy smile and heard his nervous laughter in front of the class, I never thought that one day I would be in love with him. That one-day we'd be married. 

It was too shocking. But it's not like I regret it. Even with all the pain now… how could I ever regret loving Son Gohan? 

_[Love took me by surprise_

Did you know our first kiss was while we were baby-sitting Trunks and Goten? The dynamic demi-Saiyan duo was in the process of mixing a neon pink tie-die to wash Piccolo's robes in… Well, Piccolo may not have been happy about his clothes, but I can't say I'm sorry we couldn't stop them… not if I got to kiss Gohan instead. 

It was magical, even if it did only last two seconds… that's about how long it took for Goten and Trunks to sneak into the kitchen and blow the stove up. They work quickly those two, you have to give them credit for that.

_[Love led me to you_

Honestly, I enjoyed those times watching Goten and Trunks. Actually, what I enjoyed most was seeing Gohan wrestle them on the couch, grinning as he expertly turned them over and lay on top, preventing their escape. When he was done he'd look up and grin at me. 

"They're really the best cushions if you can just get them to stay put." I would giggle and he would invite me over to join him for dinner on his brother. I loved seeing him like that… like a father taking care of his kids… for the longest time that kept me attracted to him. 

Then, there was always the days that Krillin dropped Maron off… oh how I loved those sweet afternoons.

Maron had a crush on Gohan, and she never let him out of her sight. I wasn't allowed to be "Gohan's Girlfriend" around Maron. She'd hold out her chubby hand and he'd take it and lead her around like a true escort. It tugged at my heartstrings, how well he took care of them all. How much they loved him in return. He learned to be a dad so young… and he stayed one until the day he died. I don't think he ever regretted it, but I know a lot of people would.

_[And love opened up my eyes_

Oh yes, it was love from the start.

_[And I was drifting away_

_[Like a drop in the ocean_

I was so in love… 

_[And now I realize that_

I just wish he were still here.

_[Nothing has been as beautiful_

_[As when I saw heaven's skies_

I wish I could still look at him… his smile, and especially his eyes. So dark… but bright at the same time. They always shone with happiness and good humor. For years that was what I looked at when I first saw him… those eyes captured me and wouldn't let me go. 

Not like I was trying to get away.

_[In your eyes_

Why get away? 

_[In your eyes_

_[And every time I drift away_

Now with him gone, I feel I'm hopelessly lost. When we first married, I never thought about this day… this horrible day when he wouldn't be there. I'm loosing my grip… and it hasn't even been a week.

Every thought these last few days have been about him. The way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he acted, the way he kissed and hugged me, the way he fell asleep on the front porch swing while I was talking to him. The way he'd rub his swollen head after I beat him up for it. 

I just keep thinking…

_[I lose myself in you_

One of us had to go… but why did he have to? Why couldn't I have gone first and not put up with this agonizing loss. But then, I think…

What would he have done? Would he have gone through all of this pain like I am? Or would he be Gohan and accept it? I suppose I'll have to ask him later. I guess it is foolish to be so worried when I know we'll meet again… but I can't help myself, because I don't know how long I'm going to have to wait.

_[And now I see I can be me_

All I can do is continue on… but I don't want to. I want him to be back… I want to be a happy wife again, not this lonely widow. 

_[In everything I do_

Maybe there's not a choice for me, but I'm still doing my best to keep him alive. Besides simply thinking of him… I imagine him. Sometimes I get a little carried away of course, because it takes me awhile for me to realize that he's not really there. 

I was at the grocery store yesterday, and I absentmindedly asked Gohan if I should buy strawberries or blueberries to put in his pancakes. He replied wholeheartedly, 

"Get both! And hey! Here's some raspberries, you can use those too!" 

"Oh, thanks, of course!" And while I reached for the raspberries, I saw a little boy gaping up at me, tugging is mother's skirt and whispering.

"Mommy, mommy! The old lady's talking to herself!" 

"Shhh…" The mother scolded. She smiled nervously at me and hauled her son off down the aisle. 

And that right there, is when you start to realize you really need to let go… when you're talking to your deceased husband in the middle of the grocery store. 

_['Cause I was feeling as small_

He made me feel so incredibly insignificant… he never meant to, and it didn't hurt me. I liked that he was so much more special. I liked that I would never have to take care of myself because I was a nothing and he was a something. I liked it, because it meant I had gotten the best man I could ever have. He seemed like everything in the world, and for some reason I felt I was worthless. He was gold and I was a copper penny… I like things that way. I was just one blade of grass… just one star in the whole sky… just one drop in the ocean. But I was _his _drop in the ocean. And he always let me know how special I was to him.

_[As a drop in the ocean_

Things that I often think about are our grandchildren. I look at them, and one I swear, has Gohan's eyes smiling back at me. He's the youngest, and is still only a little boy, but I have trouble believing it because of his eyes. They look so knowing and are always grinning at me; I think he's holding back, like Gohan did when he was younger. He's holding back everything… strength, power, intelligence… Just like Gohan did. And I can't help but think that in ten years, some girl just like me is going to find him and be blown away.

_[And now I realize that_

She won't be able to believe that there really is something that perfect living. That he really is willing to do anything for her… she'll be struck dumb like I was.

_[Nothing has been as beautiful_

And then she'll stare into the eyes of her own grandchildren… and see her husband in one of their eyes. 

I hope she knows what she's got in those eyes. She has her own happiness, but she also has mine. Gohan is in those eyes, somewhere…

_[As when I saw heaven's skies_

He must be there because he certainly isn't around here.

_[In your eyes_

I'm finally getting ready to sleep right now… I'm going to sleep in this empty house. I'm walking up the stairs, I'm turning all of the lights off, and I'm dreading the night. The night without Gohan. There's never been one, but there will be more… and I don't like that.

_[In your eyes_

I pull my graying hair back and walk to the bed. 

It hasn't been slept in for three nights and it's made… the sheets are pulled back and the pillows are set just as they should be. There's not a wrinkle anywhere, it's simply sitting there… waiting for me to climb in. 

_[Love took me by the hand_

My wrinkled old hand reaches out and I draw back the cold covers. I have to get sleep. I haven't in days… I _have_ to, even if I don't want to face this night all on my own.

_[Love took me by surprise_

_[And I was drifting a way_

The single most sacred thing we ever had together was the way we went to sleep at night. 

For 63 years, neither of us could close our eyes until we had heard the other say, "I love you." Every night it had to be the very last thing we heard. Even on nights when we argued. We'd huff off to our sides, backs to the other and edging as close as we could to the ends of the mattress. The lights would be off, and we would close our eyes tightly, determined to sleep.

_[Like a drop in the ocean_

But then, after a few hours of insomnia had passed, he'd roll over and wait for me to do the same. When I did we'd stare angrily and then he'd mumble, "I love you," and I replied coldly, "I love you too." We would both turn back over, and finally fall asleep. 

_[And now I've realized that_

But he's not here anymore. And I haven't slept for three days. I can't.

_[Nothing has been as beautiful _

But I know that now I must. I have to accept it and I'll prove that I do by getting some sleep.

_[As when I saw heaven's skies_

I close my eyes and wait for there to be absolute silence. Then, I draw memories from 63 years of life with Gohan. I carefully imagine him leaning close to my ear and his breath on my neck as he whispers carefully, "I love you." 

_[In your eyes_

I mumbled back to the empty room, "I love you too." I feel him kiss my cheek and I fall asleep.

_[In your eyes_


End file.
